I Bet
by Red Ribbon
Summary: It's the chapter we've all been waiting for...FAN SERVICE. Sirius and Remus fight over Snape. Oh the humanity! Will Dumbledore stop at nothing to boost the ratings? NOT SLASH! Chp 6, Voldie vs. Albie, over Snape?
1. the betting game

**Words between asterisk _*written like this*_ are actions.  Words in _italics_ are thoughts of the speaker.  A series of asterisks such as ****** are dividers between situations.  **

**Contains spoilers for books 1 through 4.**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury.  The idea of the house elves taking over Hogwarts came from a great fanfic I read about a Mary Sue parody and Snape hitting on Dumbledore. Sorry I really can't remember the name of it.  If anyone knows which fic it is, please let me know.**

**Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, praise is always welcome, but flames are ignored so don't even bother.**

**The Betting Game: Addiction at Hogwarts**

**Snape**: I'll bet you 5 galleons that stumpy boy is a Hufflepuff.

**Sprout: You're on!  He's gotta be a Gryffindor.**

**Snape**:  Albus, you in on this one?  

**Dumbledore:  Must you do this every year Seve-**

**HAT: HUFFLEPUFF!**

**Snape**:  I AM THE MAN!

**Sprout: Damn.**

************

**McGonagall:  Albus, of all the things to give the boy, why, for Merlin's green beard, why an invisibility cloak?  You KNOW he's only going to get into trouble with it.  A BB gun would have been safer.**

**Dumbledore:  And why does it always have to be about safety of the students?  What about me, Minerva?  Does anyone care that I'm bored outta my mind here?!  Don't I need a little entertainment?  If Harry's anything like his father, things will get very interesting very soon, I predict.  Ah, I love Christmas...**

**McGonagall:  _I bet Severus put him up to this._**

***********Teachers' table at Breakfast**********

**Snape**:  Minerva, I'll bet you 50 points that Dumbledor eats the culdron cake before the treacle tart.

**McGonagall:  Oh for Merlin's sake!  Have you been observing Albus' eating habits again?  **

**Snape**: _It does sound kinda pathetic when she says it out loud.  _Uh… no, do you think I have nothing better to do with my time than watch an old wizard eat?  **_*trying to change the subject*_** Fine, then I'll bet 50 house points that Flitwick wears a wig.

**McGonagall:  You're on!  _Ha, I "accidentally" ran into Flitwick the other day and the hair DID NOT come off, easiest 50 __house __points I've ever won._**

**_*A wind magically whips up Flitwick's wig, Flitwick runs out after it, Dumbledor glares at Snape, Snape gives Dumbledore the "what?" look, then turns to McGonagall with a smirk*_**

**McGonagall: _Damn._**

************ Later, during Potions class**********

**Snape**:  Mr. Potter, who would you say is the best teacher at Hogwarts?  

**Harry:  Professor Lupin, no question!**

**Snape**:  **_*sneer*_** Wrong, the correct answer is Professor Snape.  That'll be 50 points from Gryffindor.

**Gryffindors**:  Hey!!!  You can't take points for that.

**Snape**:  Oh no?  

**Harry:  I'm going to talk to Professor McGonagall about this.**

**Snape**: **_*smirk*_** Please do.

************After Transfiguration class*********

**Harry:  Professor McGonagall, Snape was completely unreasonable, I mean what kind of a question was that?!**

**McGonagall:  _Damn Snape and his stupid bets!  Damn Flitwick and his hair loss.  _Well, there's nothing I can do about it, he's already taken-off the points.  I hope in the future if Prof. Snape asks a...an abnormal question, you'll just humor him and play along.**

***********__

**Snape**:  It's a shame Lockhart lost his memory.  

**Pomfrey**:  Why Severus, I didn't think you cared much for Gilderoy.

**Snape**: **_*glares at Pomfrey*_**

**McGonagall: Hmph!  Oh I'm sure Severus cared very much…for his profits.  So tell us, how much did that idiot owe you Severus?**

**Snape**:  **_*grimace*_** 50 galleons, 25 knuts, 3 Gryffindor detentions and 175 house points to Slytherin! 

**Sprout:  **_*frowning*_** He owes me 25 sickles and a day of fertilizing the mandrakes!**

**Snape**: **_*thoughtful*_** 50 galleons…That's a lot of dragon's teeth I could have bought…

**Trelawney: My inner eye told me that he would not be able to follow through, yet I still bet him 5 kilograms of tea leaves and 3 kilograms of incense. **

**Snape**: **_*getting upset as he further ponders his loss*_** I had the detentions thought out already! Potter, Weasley, and Longbottom were going to spend a sunny Saturday afternoon removing toad spleens.

**Hooch: Lockhart bet me that the Wimbledon Wasps were going to lose to the Madagascan Mavens!  Easiest bet I've made since that '85 game with Ludo Bagman!!**

**Snape**: **_*even more worked up*_** 175 HOUSE POINTS!!

**Flitwick**:  So I guess I won't be getting that dinner I won from him.

**_*Everyone stares at Flitwick*_**

**Flitwick**:  What?!  He's famous, witches love him!  If I have dinner with him I'll be in the spotlight for a bit.  Come on, like you've never wanted to be in the spotlight!  We're underappreciated, underpaid (no offense Albus), overstressed, over-taxed teachers!!!  Even Severus is obsessed with Harry's fame!!!

**_*Everyone turns their attention to said Potions master*_**

**Snape**: **_*whining now*_** We were going to win the house cup with those extra points!!!  Then "FAMOUS Harry Potter" wouldn't be strutting around anymore! 

**Dumbledore: **_*raising his voice*_** I highly disapprove of my esteemed colleagues placing bets and taking advantage of an idiot like Gilderoy Lockhart.  I do not believe I need to remind you all that you are professors of Hogwarts, the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry?  **

**_*Professors look ashamed*_**

**Dumbledore: And Severus, your obsession with Harry Potter is just not healthy!  Your obsession with his father was understandable, you had a crush on James, we all knew that.  But obsessing over his son, your student!    That makes you a borderline pedophile.  I'm afraid I'll have to draw the line at that.**

**Snape**: **_*shocked*_**_ They all knew?!!  Was I that obvious?!?!  Uh oh they're staring…should I deny it? Or should I change the subject?_

**_*At this intense moment, Dobby walks in with tea and scones*_**

****

**Snape**:  _Ah ha!  Just the distraction I need! _ Headmaster, Dobby bet against Lockhart too!

**Dumbledore: **_*surprised*_** Is this true Dobby?**

**Snape**: _Ha!  I am the master of cunning!!! Slytherins RULE!_

**Dobby:  Yes Headmaster.  Dobby told Professor Lockhart that 235 multiplied by 75 is more than a Professor's salary at Hogwarts.  But Professor didn't believe Dobby.  He thinks Dobby is stupid house elf, so Dobby tells him to put his money where his mouth is.  So we bet.  We asked Professor Vector and Dobby was right.  **

**Dumbledore: **_*sighs*_** Well what did you win in the bet Dobby?  **

**Dobby:  Dobby bet for Professor's pink socks with purple hearts!! **_*big smile*_****

**Snape**:  **_*sneers*_** Well sorry to disappoint you Dobby, but you won't be getting those lurid socks.  Lockhart's lost his memory, we can't get anything now.

**Dobby:  But Professor, Dobby already got the socks.  Dobby doesn't let the debts pile up.  Dobby collects winnings right away. **

**_*Professors stare in disbelief*_**

**Dumbledore:  Hahahaha.  Very clever indeed Dobby.  Well I hope you've learned something professors.  Thank you for the tea Dobby, you may go now.**

**_*Dobby leaves*_**

**Dumbledore: **_*very serious now, in a low voice*_** I think the house elves are getting too smart.  We should do something about this before they overtake Hogwarts.**

**Snape**: Finally!  Someone agrees with me!  I'll bet you 3 galleons Dobby is their ring leader! 


	2. Headmaster vs Potion master, the Lupin a...

**Words between asterisk _*written like this*_ are actions.  Words in _italics_ are thoughts of the speaker.  A series of asterisks such as ****** are dividers between situations.  **

**Contains spoilers for books 1 through 4.**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury.  **

**This one is more a study on Dumbledore and Snape.  We know that they are both cunning.  I thought it would be fun to pit one against the other, to see how their mind works.**

**Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated, praise is always welcome, but flames are ignored so don't even bother.**

**Headmaster vs. Potions Master:**

**How Dumbledore got Snape to watch over Lupin**

Snape: _WHY?!  Why am I making this stupid potion for stupid Lupin?!  Lupin who's so stupid that I have to remind him to take the potion.  Lupin, who's **so stupid that even after reminding him, I have to check up on him and upon checking and realizing that he didn't take it, I have to play his stupid house elf and bring it to him!  WHY?! Ah yes, Dumbledore…cruel, sadistic, manipulative, more evil than Voldemort could ever hope to achieve…Albus Dumbledore.**_

            *********flashback to summer before start of classes******

Dumbledore: Ah there you are Severus, care to make a slight wager to make this year a bit more…interesting?

Snape: Interesting?  I'm sure you mean, tolerable.  This is rare, Albus.  The last time you participated in a bet was 2 years ago when we had a group lottery over whether or not the Whomping Willow would survive Fluffy's-

Dumbledore: Yes, yes.  All in the name of science and now we know that the Whomping Willow can tolerate enormous quantities of nitrogen.

Snape: Yes, all in the name of ….science.  And I do believe I was the sole winner in that lottery **_*smirk*_**.

Dumbledore: _My, my… little Sevie's gloating...trying to gloat in front of your old Headmaster eh?_  Well, no one here has had the extensive **_experience_** that you've had with that tree.

Snape: **_*glares at Dumbledore, mumbling*_** sadistic bastard.

Dumbledore:  **_*Raising an eyebrow* _**What was that Severus?  

Snape: **_*clears his throat*_** I was just wondering what kind of wager you had in mind oh **_beloved Headmaster_**.

Dumbledore:  Ah yes.  Let's see.  I'll bet you 4 lemon drops that Remus will turn into a werewolf at least once this school year.

Snape: What kind of a bet is that?!  _That's the kind of bet that I would come up with!  Of course, none of the professors would be dumb enough to bet against a given…what is the old man up to?_  Do I look stupid?  No way!  I'll not be on the other end of this!

Dumbledore:  _Now to set the bait!_  Don't like lemon drops?  Alright then, how about I double your salary if you win?  

Snape:  IT'S NOT THE LEMON DROPS!!!  Headmaster, I do not place bets on impossible odds!  I'm a Slytherin, not a Gryffindork!  

Dumbledore: _Gryffindork?  Oh I'll get you for that one…but later.  Right now I gotta raise the ante. _The odds are not impossible, just improbable-

Snape: **_*crosses his arms*_** No.

Dumbledore:  _It didn't work when he was a student and it's not gonna work now.  _How about I throw in a trip to Hawaii for next summer?

Snape:  _Hmmm, Hawaii would be nice.  I could get a tan, try surfing, hula dances…well I could make a Wolf's Bane potion for Lupin…WHAT AM I THINKING?!  I KNOW HE'S UP TO SOMETHING AND I WILL NOT FALL FOR IT!!! But hula dances, sunsets on the warm beaches…ABSOLUTELY NOT! But hula dan-NO! _ I regret to decline your offer, Albus **_*satisfied smirk*._**  And why is this bet so important to you? **_*raising an eyebrow*_**

****

Dumbledore: _Ha, trying to out think me Slytherin? Time to reel him in!_Important?  Not at all.  I just thought you would enjoy the opportunity of a challenge.  But I guess I was wrong.  You are cunning and ambitious…I guess you just don't possess **_enough _**cunning and ambition to win this bet…even though you are the **_head_** of Slytherin house.

Snape: _DAMN HIM for exploiting my Slytherin pride! Gryffindor my ass, he must've been a Slytherin!  No way out of it now…fine, then I'll drag him down with me.  _Double my annual salary **_tax-free,_** a 2 month all-expense paid trip to Hawaii this summer, no Valentine's Day at Hogwarts next February, the Weasley twins expelled, and I get to call Madame Hooch, Hoochie-mama and you've got a bet.

Dumbledore: I can't expel Fred and George but I can replace their double potions with Ancient Ruins. 

Snape: Deal.  **_*turns to leave*_**

****

Dumbledore:  _Now for that Gryffindork bit…_Oh and Severus, in the event you lose this wager, you'll be accompanying Sibyll to the Yule Ball next Christmas.  

Snape:  **_*shudders*_**  

Dumbledore:  **_*smirks, popping a lemon drop into his mouth*_**_ Who's the man?****_


	3. the professors' deepest, darkest desires

**Words between asterisk _*written like this*_ are actions.  Words in _italics_ are thoughts of the speaker.  A series of asterisks such as ****** are dividers between situations.  **

**Contains spoilers for books 1 through 4.**

**Disclaimer: All characters belong to J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury.  "My preciousss" is from Lord of the Rings.  I do not own Jennifer Lopez, Ben Afleck does.  And I don't know who are what owns Beastmaster but the Beastmaster I'm talking about is the one from the movies…around the same time as Conan the Barbarian with Arnold Swart…Schwartzenegg….well you know who.**

**Mirror of Erised**

**McGonagall**:  It's only fair that you go first Albus, you are our fearless leader.  So what do you see?

**Dumbledore**:  I see Voldemort lying on the floor… I am standing over him with one foot on his neck.  I'm saying "WHO'S THE MAN?"  Ooh, I like this mirror!

**McGonagall**:  Ok, Severus your turn.

**Snape**:  I think not.  DEPUTY Headmistress, it's your turn.

**McGonagall**:  Oh fine, if you want to split hairs.  Let's see… oh!  The dining hall is decorated in Gryffindor colors, Harry is holding up the Quidditch house cup, Severus is lying on the floor…. I am standing over him with my left foot on his windpipe and I am saying "MY HOUSE ROCKS!"  Ok, now Severus, if you please, it's your turn.

**Snape**:  **_*glares at McGonagall*_** That wasn't very nice Minerva!  

**McGonagall**:  You didn't say anything about what Albus saw.

**Snape**:  That's because Albus wasn't fantasizing about doing that to a fellow COLLEAGUE!

**McGonagall**:  No he was fantasizing about a former STUDENT.  And THAT'S acceptable?

**Snape**:  THAT, is understandable.  I often fantasize about torturing my students. **_*smirk*_**

**McGonagall**:  Quit stalling Snape and tell us what you see in the mirror. 

**Snape**: Former Deatheaters go last.  Sibyll, why don't you take a look.

**Trelawney**:  Well…it's foggy…

**_*Professors snicker*_**

**Trelawney**:  I see…a tall dark and handsome man…

**_*More snickers from the professors, they are looking at Snape, as Snape gets nervous.  Trelawney notices this*_**

**Trelawney**:  I said "TALL DARK AND HANDSOME" not "GREASY MOODY AND SADISTIC." 

**Snape**: That wasn't very nice Sybill!

**Trelawney**:  **_*absorbed in the mirror once again*_** Ah, he's foreign…it's..IT'S NOSTRADAMUS!!!  And we are discussing predictions for the year 2003!!!!  Oh, what joys the future holds for me!

**McGonagall**: **_*rolls her eyes* _**Oh get off it Sibyll, it's showing you what you desire not what's in the future.  Who's going next?

**Flitwick**: Oh, me please!  Let's see, let's see…oh!  I'm having dinner with Jennifer Lopez!  Ah, she's so beautiful!

**Snape**:  Let me see!

**Flitwick**: NO!  This is MY heart's desire, get your own!  My **_preciousssss_**_._ **_*starts stroking the mirror*_**

**Snape**: **_*grumbles something about Filius not sharing J.Lo*_**

**Hagrid**: Um..Professor Flitwick, yeh better stop caressing the mirror, it might break.

**_*They drag Flitwick away from the mirror*_**

**Hagrid**: **_*takes a peek at the mirror*_** Well…well, I'm the Beastmaster!  An' I don't look too shabby in a loin-cloth either.  Hmmm…maybe next time Olympe visits instead of that checkered suit I can-

**Snape**: MY TURN!!!!    _Thank Merlin's fuzzy toes I stopped Hagrid before it got ugly.  ***whew***_

**Other Professors**: WELL?!

**Snape**: Um…I see…me.  

**Flitwick**:  You see yourself as what?   Tanner?  With a straighter nose?  Grease-free?  What?

**Snape**: **_*who would normally glare at that, is in utter shock as he stares at the mirror* _**No, I just see me, everyday me.  There's no difference.  Perhaps Hagrid broke the mirror with that last image of him in a loin-cloth. 

**Dumbledore**:  No, no, you can not break the Mirror of Erised.  Severus, if you truly see only your reflection then you are the most content person in the world.

**McGonagall**:  **_*scoffs*_** Fine Severus, don't tell us what you really see.  But you could have come up with something more creative than being "the most content person in the world!"

**Hagrid**:  Let's go then, if Professor Snape doesn't want ter share, he won't share.  **_*lowers his voice* _**Maybe he's embarrassed.  Probably sees himself frolicking in a meadow with bunnies or something.

**_*Professors leave except for Dumbledor and Snape who is still staring in disbelief at the mirror*_**

**Snape**:  Albus, it can't be!  I KNOW I'm not content, I-

**Dumbledore**:  Severus, lift up the sleeve on your left arm and look in the mirror.  What do you see?

**Snape**:  **_*pulls back his sleeve and looks in the mirror* _**It's gone!  I'll never have to …ever again…I'm free!  Albus, the Dark mark, I don't have it anymore!

**Dumbledore**:  It's the Mirror of Erised and only that, nothing more.  You know that.

**_*Snape nods, solemnly*  _**

**Dumbledore**:  Come on Severus, I have the most delicious pumpkin muffins that I want you to try.

**Snape**:  **_*mumbles*_** At least I wasn't wearing a loin-cloth.


	4. poor snape, lupin, and black

**It was so kind of you all to take time out and write reviews for my little fanfic! So, to show my appreciation I'm going to let the staff at Hogwarts answer the reviews…of course to them they're not reviews, they're fan mail.  And there's a little staff discussion at the end that features a bit of Lupin and Sirius.**

**The reviewer's name comes first and is in bold.  The reviews are in **_italics.  _**Responses to the reviews come right after.  When a Hogwarts staff writes a letter in response it is written in bold, and in letter format with a signed name.  If they are talking to each other about a response, they are in dialogue form, not in bold.  Actions are *written like this*, thoughts are in **_italics like this_**.  Each review is separated by a series of ***********

**Disclaimer:  I own nothing here, not even the reviews.  **

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**FAN MAIL at HOGWARTS**

****

**_************************************_**

**Meg Evans 2003-01-10 1 Signed **

_Oh my gosh I was sitting here LAUGHING my HEAD OFF! Kudos to you! I LOVE IT! Please read mine._

**Dear Meg Evans,**

**You poor dear, come to the infirmary at once!  I can get that fixed faster than you can say Codswallop!**

**Madame Pomfrey**

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**AppleJuiceMaster 2003-01-11 1 Signed **

_HAHAHA! O my God this is some wonderful stuff! But... Snape... having a crush on.. on... JAMES?! gross gross gross... anyway, this is really funny! Hope that you'll continue it soon! _

**Apple Juice Master?  Are you making fun of my Potions Master title?  Is that you Black?!  I read what you wrote about me and a spoon, I want royalties! **

** And what's wrong with having a crush on James?  Not that I ever did, the rest of the staff just _assumed _that.  Besides, don't tell me _YOU_ never felt anything for him.**

**Severus Snape**

**Potions Master**

**Hogwarts**

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**Binx    2003-01-11  1  Anonymous **

_That was really funny!!! I'm so glad you did something with the "underappreciated" Hogwarts staff. And even though this is a spoof, the professors kept their characteristics. And the crush on James bit, hahaha, priceless. Thanx for sharing. _

**Dear Binx,**

**Thank you ever so much for caring about the rest of us!!!**

**Filius Flitwick**

**Paloma Sprout**

**Madame Pomfrey**

**Rolanda Hooch**

**Professors**

**Hogwarts**

**Snape:  _*rolls eyes* _**Oh please.

**Sprout: **Hey!  You've got angst, you used to be a Death Eater!  We're lucky if we're mentioned in more than one chapter!

**Hooch:  **I wasn't even in the second movie!

**Flitwick:  **And I hear you may have a romantic relationship in the later books!  But what about us?

**Snape: **Really?  A romance?  Did they say with whom?****

**McGonagall:  **Can we move onto the next one, please?****

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**Teri 2003-01-11 1 Signed **

_Too Funny. Marvelous. Marvelous!_

**Dumbledore:  **Marvolo?!  Is this a follower of Voldemort?  Severus, do you know if this person is a Death Eater?****

**Snape:  **Headmaster, I do not recall a Death Eater by the name of Teri, however, that does not rule out that this may be a new recruit.

**McGonagall:  **For Merlin's thumb!  Will the two of you stop it? Teri wrote "Marvelous, Marvelous" not "Marvolo, Marvolo."  Albus, you're becoming as paranoid as Severus.

**Dumbledore:  *cough* **Let's move onto the next one.****

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**me me me me me me me me me me me me me me meme m me m me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me meme m me m me me me me me meme me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me    2003-01-11  1  Anonymous **

_hmmmmmmmmmmm__....cohoa _

**Snape:  **Must be a Hufflepuff.

**Sprout:  **Actually I thought it was a Death Eater.

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**Meg Evans (Sharon3028@aol.com)   2003-01-11  1  Anonymous **

_Thank you for your review. Do you have AIM? I'd love to talk to you. My AIM is sharon3028. Please send me an instant message. _

**Flitwick: **Ooh!  Yes Meg, I'd love to get to know you better.  How about dinner at Hogsmeade next Friday?

**Snape:  **Excuse me Filius, but I believe that invitation was for me.

**Flitwick: *growls* **Back-off Snape, she's mine!****

**Snape:  **Fine! _First J. Lo, now Meg.  Flitwick is going to find a little something extra in his pumpkin juice tonight._

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**AppleJuiceMaster 2003-01-12 2 Signed **

_Poor Snape! Lovely story this is! _

**If you are indeed an Apple Juice Master then tell me, what is the difference between apple juice and apple cider?  Hmm?**

**Severus Snape**

**Potion Master**

**Hogwarts**

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**coolgirlchic16 2003-01-12 2 Signed **

_This is pretty good._

_C. _

**Snape:  **Hands-off Flitwick, I claim this one!  She's cool and chic.

**Flitwick**:  She's also 16, you pedophile!****

**Snape: **I'm not a pedophile!****

**Flitwick: **Very well then, cradle robber!

**Snape: **I'm not a cradle robber!!****

**Flitwick: **Death Eater!

**Snape: **I'm not….oh wait.

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**Whisper (not signed in)    2003-01-12  2  Anonymous **

_LOL Thanks for giving me a laugh! This is very amusing! Dumbledore has an 'e' on the end though, but i still loved it! :) _

**Dear Whisper,**

**Thank you for noticing.  Evidently, Professor Snape thought it would be an amusing prank if he severed my name.  However, after you brought it to my attention, I had him correct all of the previous chapters…_without_ magic. **

**Albus Dumbledore**

**Headmaster**

**Hogwarts**

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**Opy-mon    2003-01-12  1  Anonymous **

_Yo DAt shit wuz the BOMB baby! Very funny. Can't wait to read the second chapter. _

**opy-mon    2003-01-12  2  Anonymous **

_Funny again. _

**Hagrid:  **An' they think I talk funny.****

**McGonagall:  **Must be an American.

**Snape:  **Actually, I read her piece on my earlier years at Hogwarts "Why Snape hates James and Gang." And I have to say, it was such an honest and tender portrayal, I was moved.  It brought back so many memories of my days of innocence, a time when I was beautiful…

**McGonagall:  **A time when you were beautiful?  I don't remember that.  Oh wait, you mean when your hair was silky and grease-free…ah yes.  

**Snape:  **Then that rat-b*tch Pettigrew screws it all-****

**Dumbledore:  **Moving on!!****

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**Aeryn Alexander 2003-02-18 1 Signed **

_This is hilarious! I like the part about Snape's crush on James! And Dobby collecting his debt where the professors couldn't. Lockhart is such an easy target! This was great! _

**Dear Ms. Aeryn,**

**Dobby is very glad that Ms. Aeryn is enjoying this.   By any chance, is Ms. Aeryn looking for a house-elf to clean her house?  Dobby is a hard worker and needs a new job.  Ever since Professors found out that Dobby collects his debts, they are looking at Dobby funny.  They are not trusting Dobby anymore.  Especially Professor Snape.  He is giving Dobby the evil-eye, the evil-smirk, and the evil-kick-in-the-ass.  **

**Dobby**

**House-elf**

**Hogwarts**

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**Aeryn Alexander 2003-02-18 2 Signed **

_Hoochie-mama! That was great! Awesome story! And Dumbledore is the man! _

**Dear Aeryn,**

**Yes I am.**

**Albus Dumbledore**

**THE MAN**

**Bain of Voldemort's Existence**

**Headmaster, Hogwarts**

**Defeater of Grindelwald, 1945**

**Discoverer of the 12 uses of Dragon's blood**

**Order of Merlin, First class, Grand Sorc.**

**Chf. Warlock**

**Supreme Mugwump**

**International Confed. of Wizards**

**Leader, Order of the Phoenix**

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**Aeryn Alexander 2003-02-18 3 Signed **

_*sniffles* That's what I think Severus would see too. Very nifty. And _

_Dumbledore and McGonagall were very funny. _

**Dear Ms. Alexander,**

**Thank you for your review.  I am glad that you appreciated what we each saw in the Mirror of Erised.  However, _some _people were not so…open-minded.  In fact, one such wizard (I will not mention his name, for it would be quite unprofessional) went so far as to say that my desire was not "nice."  Everyone is entitled to their opinion, no?  Well, that night I had the most awful stomach ache and I was constantly running to the bathroom.  It started after a cup of pumpkin juice I had at dinner.  I have every reason to suspect a certain moody, sneaky, greasy basta- I mean _person_.  But of course Headmaster Dumbledore, ever the diplomat, refused to pursue the matter.  **

**So it is quite refreshing to hear from one who allows free-thinking.**

**Minerva McGonagall**

**Deputy Headmistress**

**Hogwarts**

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**Padfoot22011    2003-02-18  3  Anonymous **

_That was so funny! I hope you continue!! _

**Don't encourage this!**

**Severus Snape**

**Potion Master**

**Hogwarts**

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**AppleJuiceMaster 2003-02-20 3 Signed **

_I love this story, it's very funny! This chapter was funny too, but to be honest, it didn't had anything to do with bets.. still funny, though!_

_I hope the next chapter will be up soon again! _

**Snape:  **The Master of Apple Juice has a point.  I motion to change the title from "I Bet" to "Welcome to Hell."

***Dumbledore glares at Snape***

**Snape: **Just kidding Albus, just kidding.

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**princesswitch 2003-02-22 3 Signed **

_LOL! this is the coolest story of all cool stories! hehee, my favorite comedy read in a long time. and i especially liked the last chapter becuz it was perfect amount of funnie and deep. very good. TOODLES! _

**Wait until you see what they do to me in the next one.  Muggles can be so cruel.**

**Silky Severus Snape**

**Pretty Potion Master**

**Hoggety Hogwarts**

**Snape: **Albus!  Change that back!****

**Dumbledore: **No.****

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**Flitwick: ** My, that was a lot of fan mail.  

**Snape: _*sneers* _**18 was a lot?  You Ravenclaws don't aspire much do you?

**McGonagall:** **_* crosses her arms* _Honestly Severus!  What were you expecting without any angst and romance?  If you were looking for high ratings we can always have you in a romantic relationship with Hermione or Lily….or if you want even higher ratings you can be Harry's real father.**

**Snape:** **_*disgusted* _Ugh, I don't care about ratings. Fame isn't everything.**

**Dumbledore:** Where's that Slytherin ambition Severus?  Don't you want higher ratings?  I think Minerva has the right idea there…only, let's take it to another level….hmmm, angst and romance…"

**_*Snape becomes increasingly nervous because Dumbledore has THAT look in his eyes….eyes that just turned to him with a most predatory and malicious twinkle. Gulp.*_**

**Dumbledore:** **_*smiles* _How about Severus in a love triangle with Remus and Sirius?**

**Snape:** No NO **NOOO**!!!  Absolutely not!  This is where I draw the line, Albus-

**Dumbledore:** All those in favor?

**All staff:**  Aye!!

**Dumbledore:** Those opposed?

**Snape and Lupin:** NAY!!!!!

**Dumbledore:** The 'ayes' have it.  

**Lupin:**  But headmaster, you can't-

**Dumbledore:** Of course I can, we voted and majority rules.  Now gentlemen, get busy! 

**Lupin:** Gulp…

 **Snape:** I quit, I'm going to work for Gandalf.

**McGonagall:** You mean Saruman.  You're going to work for Saruman first, then see the evil of your ways and turn to Gandalf and spend the rest of your days teaching hobbits how to "bottle fame, brew glory, and stopper death" and take out your angst on them by making fun of their large feet and hairy knuckles.

**Snape:** **_*grits teeth*_ No, I meant Gandalf.  This time, I'm going to work for good then switch over to the One True Lord.  Then after conquering Middle Earth, we'll crush Voldemort and DESTROY HOWARTS!  HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT ALBUS?!?!?!  ****WE'RE GOING TO DESTROY YOU AND THIS ****MAJORITY RULES, SLASH-HAVEN YOU CALL HOGWARTS!!!! **_*storms off*_****

**Flitwick:** Oh my, that was a big tantrum he just threw.

**McGonagall:** The last time he got this upset was when he caught Sirius distributing pictures of him before he had a chance to put pomade in his hair.

**Lupin:** **_*remembering his school days* _I have to hand it to Sirius, that was a brilliant prank.  Everyone in the school called him Afro-head for a good four months.**

**McGonagall:** I believe, in that particular tantrum he said something about joining Voldemort and crushing the Marauders then destroying the…what did he call it?  Ah yes, the "Gryffindor-Haven" we call Hogwarts. 

**_*Staff suddenly becomes very quiet and serious*_**

****

**Dumbledore:** Oh dear, Hagrid, would you bring Severus back here please?

**_*Hagrid cajoles Snape back but Snape is still upset. His arms are crossed and he is casting a mistrusting glare at everyone*_**

**Dumbledore:** **_*gravely* _Severus, I-**

**Snape:** No Albus, you've crossed the line.  I am not fighting Black for Lupin's affections!

**Lupin:** **_*throws his hands in the air* _Fine you big baby!  Sirius and I will fight each other for YOUR affections, is that better?**

**Snape:** **_*thinks about it*_ Hmm, actually that doesn't sound half-bad, I think I could live with that.  Two people fighting over me…yes, not bad at all.**

**_*Rest of staff smile at each other*_**

****

**Lupin: _*grumbles*_** yeah well I don't want to be the one that tells Sirius.

**_*************  Somewhere in a cave far, far away….  **************_**

**_*Sirius receives an owl.  He takes the letter and sees that it carries the Hogwarts seal*_**  

**Sirius: **_This must be important!  I hope Harry's alright.  _**_*reading*_ _Hm…Dumbledore wants me back at Hogwarts…for..... **WHAT?!!?!?!!**_**

****


	5. Fan Service

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**YOU MUST READ THIS FIRST:**

**I did not plan on writing out the love triangle cuz there are far better writers out there for that.  I wouldn't be able to do them justice.**

**But so many of reviewers wanted to see it done…and I'm such a review whore.  **

**So here it is: FAN SERVICE dedicated to all the reviewers.  **

**And I know there were a few who did not want it to be slash…WORRY NOT!  This story is NOT SLASH!  But Black and Lupin do have to fight over Snape cuz Dumbledore said so.   **

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**Words between asterisk _*written like this*_ are actions.  Words in _italics_ are thoughts of the speaker.  A series of asterisks such as ****** are dividers between situations.  **

**Contains spoilers for books 1 through 4.**

**Disclaimer: Same as before.  Too lazy to cut and paste.**

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**FAN SERVICE**

**Black: _*monotone, void of all emotion* _**Oh no you don't Remus, Snape is mine.  

**McGonagall: _*annoyed*_** Stop, stop.  Sirius, you're not convincing enough.  

**Dumbledore:** I'm not feeling the passion you have for Severus and-

**Flitwick****:**  The desperation!  The unfulfilled desire-

**Black: _*glares, grits teeth*_** That's because there is no passion or desperation!  **_*thinks for a moment*_** Unfulfilled desire…yes, I have the most urgent desire to WRING THAT GREASY GIT'S NECK!!!

**Dumbledore:** Now, now Sirius, remember why we're doing this.  We want to boost our ratings and to do that we must provide a bit of fan service.  

**Hagrid****:** **_*whispers to Madame Pomfrey*_ **I think he picked tha' up from Lockhart.

**Pomfrey****:** **_*nods*_**

**Black:** If you wanted fan service, I can just take off my shirt in this story. **_*grins madly*_**

**Snape****:**  **_*rolls eyes* _**The point of fan service is to attract fans not encourage them to sue us for permanent eye damage.  

**Lupin****:** HA! I mean, cough, cough, cough.

**Black:** Very convincing there Moony.

**Lupin****: _*smiling*_** You had that coming.

**Black: _*raises an eyebrow*_** And when did you start agreeing with Snape?

**Lupin****:** Since he started making the Wolf's Bane potion for me.  Besides after those 12 years in Azkaban, you're all bones.  So I'm gonna go with Severus and insist you keep your shirt on.

**Black:** So that's how it is, eh?  First Wormtail, now you and what-

**Dumbledore:** Can we get back to the script?  Sirius, please start 5 inches from the top.  

**Black: _*grimaces*_** Oh Sna-Se..Se-v. **_*gurgle, gag*_** .ver-us.  

**Sprout: _*whispers to Hagrid*_** This is going to take a lot of work.  He almost bit his tongue trying to say Severus' name.

**Hagrid****: _*nods*_**

**Black: _*tries not to be too disgusted*_** Oh Se..verus, would you go to the Yule Ball with me?

**Snape****: _*smirk*_**Maybe if you get on your knees and beg me.

**Black: _*lunging at Snape*_** HOLD ME BACK REMUS!

**Dumbledore: _*sighs*_** Severus, would you just stick to the script?

**Snape****: _*feigns innocence*_** Excuse me Headmaster but I thought a little improvisation would add a bit more life to this.

**Dumbledore: _*glares at Snape*_** Let's try this again.

**Black: _*takes a deep breath*_** Severus, **_*takes a deeper breath*_** would you go to the Yule Ball with me?

**Snape****: _*pretends to think about it*_** No, you're too ugly.

**Black: _*goes for Snape's jugular*_**

**_*scuffling ensues, no major violence because we do not want to change the PG13 rating*_**

**Snape****: _*catching his breath*_** That..that's 50 points from Gryffindor!

**McGonagall:** WHAT?! Severus you're being ridiculous!  You can't take points off for Sirius, he's not even a Gryffindor!

**_*everyone is shocked, except Dumbledore*_**

****

**Black: _*blink*_** Yes I am.

**McGonagall:** No, you're not.  You were disowned by Gryffindor house when you landed in Azkaban.  Sorry, Sirius but my house can't have a tarnished reputation. 

**Black: _*in utter shock*_** You DISOWNED me?! So what am I house-less now?  

**McGonagall:** Not house-less.  We traded you that's all.

**Black: _*chokes*_** _Traded? What is this, a Quidditch team?!   _Then what house am I in now?  

**Dumbledore:** Well seeing as how neither Hufflepuff nor Ravenclaw wanted you, we put you into Slytherin house.  Besides, Azkaban is like a retirement home for most Slytherins anyway.

**Snape**** and Black**: **NOOOO!!!!!!!**

**Snape****: *looks like he's about to die* **I…I can't..no… impossible…but…but… it can't be…Black..in……Slytherin?!...I…I…I refuse…I…I…I….. **_*faints*_**

**Black:**  I can't believe he's taking this worse than I am.

**McGonagall: _*crosses her arms*_** Well since Severus is incapacitated for the moment, let's do another part.  **_*looks at scroll parchment*_** How about 15 inches from the bottom?

**Lupin****: _*skimming the part*_** Oh that's my confrontation with Sirius.  

**Black:** Oh Merlin no!  Minerva where is your humanity?  Albus, can't you-

**_*suddenly stops and looks at the unconscious Snape then laughs maliciously*_**

It's going to kill him that he missed the part where we fight over him.

**Lupin****:** _Must get into character, what's my motivation_…***adopts a nasal voice*** Sirius, you triflin' ho!  You stay away from my man!!  

**_*staff stares in disbelief*_**

**Black: _*in complete awe*_** Wow, Moony.  I never knew you had that in you.

**Lupin****: _*grins a bit embarrassed*_** Well, being unemployed these past couple of years gave me the opportunity to watch some muggle daytime television and the Jerry Springer show really appealed to my werewolf tendencies.   

**Dumbledore: _*strokes his beard, musing*_** I heard that show received very high ratings….

**Sprout: _*whispers to Pomfrey*_** Only because the guests took off their shirts!

**Pomfrey****: _*whispers back*_** Well I hope Sirius doesn't take off his shirt, he's really too thin.  Eating rats is not a healthy diet!

**Dumbledore:**  Well let's continue and see where it takes us.

**Black:** Yeah ok, my part right?  **_*skims the lines, clears his throat*_** You've got nothing to offer Severus.  Why would he want your raggedly ass when he can get bootylicious with me.__

**_*spectator staff snicker*_**

**Lupin****: _*lunges and bitch-slaps Black*_** YOU BE-OTCH!!

**_*staff ooohs in amazement*_**

**Black: _*a wild look in his eyes*_**REMUS!!  

**Lupin****: _*apologetic*_** uh…sorry Padfoot, I guess I got carried away…the werewolf in me just-

**Black:** REMUS!  You HAVE to show me how to do that slap!

**Lupin****:  _*relieved*_** Oh it looks harder than it actually is.  The trick is too put some shoulder and elbow into it.

**Black: _*trying it*_** Like this?

**Lupin****:** Yeah, you'll need to practice it a bit for it to feel natural.  It might be helpful if you cry out "BE-OTCH" while doing it. 

**Black: _*bitch-slapping left and right*_** BEOTCH!  BE-OTCH!  BEEEE-OTCH!!! 

**_*Snape stirring back into consciousness*_**

**Snape****: _*still dazed*_** hm..?  Jerry?  Is Jerry on?

**McGonagall: _*annoyed*_** Good of you to join us Severus.  Can we all start again from…let's see… 11 inches from the bottom?

**Black: _*looks worse than death*_** Oh please no…

**Snape****: _*smirks*_** Actually, I'm enjoying this.

**Black: _*glares at Snape*_**

**Lupin****:** Me too, it's very therapeutic.  I get to vent out my more passionate and-

**Snape****:** Shut up Lupin, no one cares.

**Sirius: _*growls*_** Why don't you go wash your hair you slimy git.

**Snape****: _*narrows his eyes*_** Why don't you go brush your teeth, Gryffin**dork****-reject**.

**Staff chants:** JERRY!  JERRY!  JERRY!

**_*Dumbledore glares at staff*_**

**Staff:** **_*catches Dumbledore's glare, starts to chant*_** ALBUS! ALBUS! ALBUS!

**Dumbledore: _*gives a satisfied smirk*_**

**Black:** Death Eater!

**Snape****:** Rat eater!

**Black:** AFRO-HEAD!

**Snape****:** ASS-SNIFFER!!

**_*Black tries to attack Snape, but Snape has faster reflexes*_**

**Snape****: _*takes out wand and casts a curse*_** Beotch-slap-supremus!

**_*Black is out cold*_**

**McGonagall: _*in her sternest professor voice*_** SEVERUS SNAPE!

**Snape****: _*cringes at that familiar tone*_** Y..yes, Prof- uh…Minerva.

**McGonagall:** You and Remus will skip to the end where you confess your love for each other.

**Snape****: _*disgusted*_** But-

**McGonagall: NOW!**

**Lupin****: *reading from parchment* **Severus, I don't know where to begin…

**Snape****: _*sneers*_ **The beginning is usually good.

**Lupin****: _*eyes flashing*_** The beginning then, well first, you're a snarky git. 

***Snape glares at Lupin***

**Lupin****: _*smiles* _**Then, there's the way you threaten innocent children, your blatant favoritism for your own house, and that thunderous glare of yours.

**Snape****:** If you've come here to throw insults then I suggest you-

**Lupin****: _*puts a hand up to stop Snape from continuing*_** I'm here to confess, Severus.  _Insulting you is an added bonus_. 

**Snape****: _*suspicious*_** Confess?  Explain yourself, Lupin.

**Lupin****: **Well, there's a lot…  Starting with when I was bit by a werewolf.  I was rejected from all schools until Albus Dumbledore, 

**_*reading from the scroll, in a monotone voice*_**

"the finest, most benevolent and powerful headmaster Hogwarts has ever and **will **ever have, offered me sanctuary at Hogwarts." 

**_*returns to normal voice*_**

And it is here at Hogwarts that I made friends that cared for me.  I should have been grateful for that.  It should have been enough for me but it wasn't.  I wanted more, I desired more than just camaraderie.  

**Snape****: _*sneers*_** What, being popular wasn't good enough for you?  

**Lupin****: _*patiently*_** No it wasn't.  I wanted the affections of a certain Slytherin in my potions class, hoping that he would watch over me with the same tenderness he watched over his cauldrons.  And that's how I got to be so bad at potion making.  

**_*getting misty-eyed*_**

I would spend the entire class throwing glances at the object of my affection, day-dreaming, **hoping**, that he might one day return my love…thinking how handsome he would look once he grew into his nose…and if he washed his hair more often- _Couldn't resist that one._

**Snape****: _*indignant*_** I WASH!!!  It's the pomade; it makes my hair look greasy. You know I'm an Afro-head if I don't put it in and-

**Lupin****: _*on the verge of tears*_** But it never happened….he never…he never...

**Snape****: _*quietly*_** I didn't know.  All those years, you never said anything.

**Lupin****: _*sniff*_** No matter how I prayed, how I hoped, he never…he never GREW INTO THAT BIG NOSE! HAHAHAHA!

**_*Snape looks murderous*_**

**Lupin****: _*still laughing*_** Sorry sorry, I couldn't help myself.  Werewolf tendencies you know.

**Snape****:_ *sneers*_** Oh shove it.

**Dumbledore:** Let's wrap this up, lunch is in half an hour.

**_*Snape and Lupin turn very serious now*_**

****

**Snape****: _*gravely*_** I wish you told me how you felt.  

**Lupin****:** I was content just to work by your side.  Just to be near you.

**Snape****: _*reading the script*_** All those years of silence must have been painful to bear….?  **_*stops reading* _**What?!  Who wrote this crap?!

**_*McGonagall and Dumbledore glare at Snape*_**

**Snape****: _*scoffs*_** Of course this pathetic dribble is typical of Gryffindors but from you, Albus and Minerva?  Now that is a real disappoint-

**_*The combined glare of McGonagall and Dumbledore proves too much for Snape*_**

**Snape****:** I mean **_*quickly skimming the script*_** Oh Remus, why didn't you tell me?  

**Lupin****:** Oh Severus, I was afraid, afraid of what the rest of the faculty would say, afraid of the controversy, afraid of losing you.

**Snape****:** **_*confused*_** What controversy?

**Lupin****: _*reading*_** You are my superior, my boss.  If it got out that we had more than a professional relationship then no one would believe that I earned my position here by my own merit.  

**_*stops reading, slightly offended*_**

 Severus is NOT my superior.__

**Snape****: _*smirk*_** Yes I am.  

**_*reading*_**

No one here would ever doubt your merit.  You are the Deputy Headmistress because you deserve it and no one would think otherwise.  So there is no reason not to openly declare our love…?  

**_*stops reading, it's his turn to be offended*_**

What?! Remus is not Deputy anything!!! When Albus retires, **I **am going to be the next-

**McGonagall: _*tears in her eyes*_** Albus, do you mean that?

**Dumbledore: **Yes Minerva, I do.  We've both put our students and Hogwarts before ourselves for much too long.  I think at this venerable age, we can allow ourselves this one luxury. **_*smiles*_**

**McGonagall: _*smiles*_** Oh Albus.

**_*Spectator staff and Lupin stare in surprise*_**

**Hagrid****: _*sniffs*_** Tha' was.. beautiful!

**_*Sprout hands a handkerchief to Flitwick*_**

**Flitwick****: _*dabs at a tear*_** How romantic.  

**Snape****: _*bored*_** I've known for years.

**Lupin****: _*raises an eyebrow* _**Did you? 

**Snape****: _*shudders*_** Caught them snogging in the rose bushes on one of my nightly rounds a few years back.

**Lupin****: _*wrinkles his nose*_** You have my condolences.

**Black: _*regaining consciousness*_** Wha…What happened?  

**Lupin****: _*smiles, and helps Sirius up*_** It's lunchtime Padfoot.

**Black: _*getting upset*_** Hey, Snape knocked me out didn't he?  I'm gonna wring-

**Lupin****: _*rolls eyes*_** _Not this again…_They're serving chicken.

**Black:** CHICKEN!


	6. There's No Return Policy On Severus Snap...

**Disclaimer:** same as before

**Notes: **same as before

**This takes place a month or two after Snape becomes a professor at Hogwarts.**

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**THERE'S NO RETURN POLICY ON SEVERUS SNAPE.**

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**McGonagall**:  Albus, I can't work like this!!  I can't take it any longer.  You have to do something about HIM!

**Dumbledore**:  I take it you and Severus are not getting along?

**McGonagall**:  I'm sure this comes as no surprise to you.  

**Dumbledore**:  **_*sighs* _**No, it does not, Minerva.  Can't you be a bit more tolerant?  We are colleagues after all.  I'm sure maintaining a certain degree of professional courtesy is not beyond your capabilities.

**McGonagall**:  Tolerant?!  Teaching that insufferable brat for 7 long years has exhausted all my tolerance and patience!  Do you have any idea what it was like having him in class, Albus?   Not only was he a terrible student, unable to perform even the simplest of tasks, he never admitted that he needed help with his work, always so conceited.  It was always: 

**_*mimicking Snape when he was an obnoxious student*_**

"Excuse me Professor, but why transfigure when you can easily get the same result by using the Metamorpheus potion?  Not only does the potion have no side-effects, there is less risk involved." 

"Excuse me Professor, I fail to see the point of the lesson, why would anyone need to turn a log into a feather?"  

**_*stops mimicking*_**

And when I thought finally, **finally **he has graduated, he comes back!  

**Dumbledore**: **_*chuckles*_** Yes, Severus was quite a-

**McGonagall: **SMARTASS!

**Dumbledore: _*gives her a disapproving look* _**I was going to say, precocious child.  But he was like that with all his professors.  Don't take it personally Minerva.

**McGonagall**: How can I not take it personally?  He gave me FROWN LINES!  WRINKLES, ALBUS!  **WRINKLES!!**

**Dumbledore**: Well if you feel that strongly about it, I'll have a talk with him.

**McGonagall**: **_*Crosses her arms*_ **Hmph!  Good luck!  He's so stubborn and difficult to reason with.  Honestly, you're the only one who knows how to get Severus to do things on your terms.  

**Dumbledore**: Severus?  Oh actually I was going to talk to Tom.  

**McGonagall**:  **_*completely confused* _**Tom?  

**Dumbledore**:  Yes, I'll attend to the matter right away.  

**_*Dumbledore leaves the staff room*_**__

**McGonagall**:  **_*shaking her head* _**_He really is off his rocker!_

**************** **In Dumbledore's office  ************

**Dumbledore**: **_*throws Floo powder into the fireplace*_ **Tom?  Are you there?  I have a rather important matter I need to discuss with you.  It's Albus Dumbledore, your old professor-turned-headmaster at Hogwarts, School for-

**Voldemort**:  **_*rather annoyed* _**Yes, yes I know who you are.  This is not a good time.  I'm in the middle of a meeting right now and don't call me Tom.  I go by the name Vol-

**Dumbledore**: **_*rolls his eyes*_** Oh for crying out loud, a meeting?  Call it what it really is Tommy: a Halloween house party exclusively for losers and weirdoes because they were never invited to one when they were in school.

**Voldemort**: **_*spitting mad, irate*_ **It's not a Halloween party!!!  We wear masks because it increases fear and anonymity!  AND DON'T CALL ME TOMMY!!!  

**_*takes a few deep breaths, calms down, snake-like coolness returns*_**_ _

**Voldemort****: **I go by Voldemort now.  Lord Voldemort to you, Albus.  

**Dumbledore: _*serious* _**And that's Headmaster to you, Thomas.

**Voldemort****: **I am no longer your student Dumbledore-

**Dumbledore: _*dead serious* _Headmaster__** Dumbledore.

**Voldemort****: _*realizes that he's no match for Dumbledore*_ **Alright, we're adults.  I'll call Headmaster Dumbledore and you call me Lord Voldemort.

**Dumbledore: _*eyes twinkling because he knows he has won* _**Well that's all very good but you see, you **must** refer to me as Headmaster because I am indeed the Headmaster of Hogwarts, I was appointed by the Board of Governors.  You on the other hand, were never appointed by anyone to be a lord.  And until you legally change your name to Voldemort, I will continue to call you Tom.

**Voldemort****: _*on the verge of tears*_** I hate you!!

**Dumbledore: ** There there, Tom-Tom.  Don't get upset.  As I mentioned before, there is an important matter I need to discuss with you.

**Voldemort****: _*Sniffs*_ **What?

**Dumbledore: **Well, you remember Severus Snape?  He was one of the weirdoes…ah, I mean one of the **members** of your Shit-Eater gatherings.  

**Voldemort****: ****DEATH EATERS! NOT SHIT EATERS!**  _I swear he's doing this on purpose!_

**Dumbledore: _*smiles* _**You'll have to forgive my memory, old age you know.

**Voldemort****: **_MY ASS!_

**Dumbledore**: Remember how you practically begged me to take him off your hands?

**Voldemort****: _*cautiously, suddenly suspicious*_** Yes, and I greatly appreciate that….headmaster.

**Dumbledore:** Well I was wondering if you would take him back.  

**Voldemort****: _*mortified*_** No!  ABSOLUTELY NOT!  

**Dumbledore:** But you said so yourself he was unmatched in his potion abilities-

**Voldemort****:** True but he's so, so…he's such a...a …SMARTASS!  Oh Salazar, at every meeting he was always:

**_*mimics Snape's obnoxious Death Eater voice* _**

"Excuse me Master, why don't we just make them drink Veritaserum instead of inflicting the Crucio curse for questioning?  The prisoners would be a lot more coherent and if we're caught, they can't charge us for using an unforgivable curse."

"Excuse me Master but you'll find eating with a fork and knife a lot more sanitary and a lot less barbaric than using your fingers and fangs."

****

**_*stops imitating Snape, starts muttering*_**

Humph!  Teaching me manners!  The gall!  Slimy bastard.

**Dumbledore:** But the other staff members are not mixing well with him.  He calls Madame Hooch, Hoochie-mama, Merlin knows where he picked that up from.  He's constantly asking Madame Pomfrey for placenta-

**Voldemort****:** Ah yes, he scared the crap out of Lucius with that one.  

**Dumbledore:** And last week he force-fed Filch something he calls "ugly juice." **_*thinks for a moment*_** I don't even want to know what that is.

**Voldemort****:  _*shudders*_ **It is a potion most foul...Have you considered transferring him to another school?

**Dumbledore:** I've already contacted the headmaster at Durmstrang, but for some reason, Karkaroff vehemently refused to take Severus.

**Voldemort****:** **_*scoffs*_** Talk about burning bridges!  Severus tricked him into drinking the Ugly Juice.  Their relationship since has been ever so delicate.

**Dumbledore: _*raises an eyebrow*_** And how does Karkaroff know Severus?  He wouldn't happen to be part of your dork squad would he?

**Voldemort****:** **_* scoffs* _Squads are for cheerleading, we do not cheer.  Well, we still do the Slytherin victory dance sometimes…but no cheering.**

**Dumbledore: _*amused*_** But you don't deny that you're dorks?

**Voldemort****: _*thinks a bit, then sighs*_** No.  Not since Wormtail became a member-

**Dumbledore: _*snorts*_** Wormtail?  _What kind of name is that?_  Really Tom, I wonder about the kind of company you keep!  You **really** need to take Severus back.  At the very least, he'll add a bit of class to your little club.

**Voldemort****:** I've got Malfoy for that.

**Dumbledore:** _Oh Tom, you make this too easy. _Hm, then set him up in the Ministry of Magic and have him spy for you.

**Voldemort****:** Already have Rookwood doing that.

**Dumbledore:** _Hmmm, so he does have a spy in the Ministry…but where?  _You're lying, there is no Rookwood in the Ministry.  You're just saying that so you don't have to take Severus back.

**Voldemort****:** NO No!!! It's true!  Rookwood is in the Department of Mysteries, that's why you haven't heard of him, really, I DO NOT NEED SEVERUS BACK!  

**Dumbledore:** Well what am I suppose to do with him then?

**Voldemort****: ** I don't care, I don't want him and you can't make me take him back!  You took him fair and square, there is no return policy!  You're keeping Snape.

**Dumbledore:** But think of the uses he could-

**Voldemort****:** **_*very quietly*_** Headmaster….he made my hair go gray.  

**Dumbledore:** **_*blinks*_**

**Voldemort****: _*sad and lost in memory*_** I…I was beautiful once…

**Dumbledore: _*blinks again*_**

**Voldemort****:** GRAY HAIRS!!!!!  END OF DISCUSSION!

**_*Fireplace is now empty, Dumbledore is alone and deep in thought*_**

****

**Dumbledore:** **_*listing names onto a scroll parchment* _**_Hm__…so that's Lucius Malfoy, Igor Karkaroff, Rookwood is a spy in the Ministry and there's someone named Wormtail…Sorry Minerva but you'll just have to deal with the wrinkles._

**************************************

**Snape****:** Ah, Professor McGonagall, I do believe it's been 3 years in a row that Slytherin has won the House Cup.  

**McGonagall: _*glares*_**

**Snape****:** ****Well I can't give all the credit to the towering intellect we Slytherins possess, we do have an unbeatable Quidditch team.**_*smirks and walks away*_**

**McGonagall:_ *face twitches, a new wrinkle appears*_** ALBUS!!!!

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**Thanx**** everyone for reviewing!  I think someone mentioned that they wanted Malfoy Sr. in here, I don't mind but I have no idea how to write him in so any gimme any ideas if you have them.  Also, I'm running out of things to do with the staff, any suggestions are more than welcome!**

**Again, thanx for the reviews, they make Albus so happy.**


	7. Not a Chapter but please read

Hi everyone!

Fanfiction.net has deleted most of the reviews left on June 4th.  I'm sorry to all those who had their reviews lost.  I'm even more sorry that any suggestions might have been lost.  If you left a suggestion in a review, please put it in a review again or you can email it to me (my email is on my info page at Fanfiction.net).

I need help with Malfoy Sr.  How should I mix him in with the Hogwarts staff?  He was on the Board of Directors but he would only talk to Dumbledore, not any of the other professors, and what would he need to talk to them for….dilemma, dilemma.  

And any ideas for what we can do to…I mean…with the staff?

Thanx so much for all your reviews and continued support.  I was actually going to end the whole story with chapter 4 but since so many of you reviewed I couldn't let you guys down so I kept it going and I even have some more chapters I want to get out.  

Without your cheering me on, Dumbledore would not have mocked Voldemort, Sirius would not have done a bitch-slap, and Albus and Minerva would not have come out of the closet about their relationship. 

So I thank you, Albus thanks you, Minerva thanks you, Sirius thanks you, Severus does not thank you.

One last thing, for anyone who is into anime style drawings or Severus Snape, here is a website that has great drawings of Snape at 10 yrs old, then teenage, and as a professor.  There are also drawings of Lily, James, Sirius, and Remus (with Snape, like a group pic) during their time at Hogwarts and after that.  There are also some pics of Malfoy Sr. with Snape (slashy) and Remus with Snape (slashy).  Nothing graphic.  The Weasleys are drawn, including Bill and Charlie.  Karkaroff, Lockhart, Voldemort and Pettigrew too.  And a very frightening picture of Moody.  Ah she's got everyone in there, some Hogwarts staff too.  Only it's mostly in Japanese but links and picture descriptions are in English.  It's really fantastic!  

Here's the address: (since fanfiction.net does not read slashes in web addresses, I'll type it out as (slash) wherever there's a slash, just substitute it yourself).

www.geocities.co.jp(slash)HollywoodScreen(slash)4888(slash)works01.hml


	8. Albus is furius, Snape is sick

**Words between asterisk _*written like this*_ are actions.  Words in _italics_ are thoughts of the speaker.  **

**Contains spoilers for books 1 through 4.****  But not 5…that book was so sad…**

*****************************************************

**Albus**** is Furious**

******************************************************

**To the most unfortunate soul who will suffer the vengeance of Albus Dumbledore:**

**My employer is most displeased with your, shall we say, malfunction.  We understand that you are Muggles and therefore prone to incompetence.  However this recent display of ineptness rivals that of one Neville Longbottom.  And don't even think about denying your knowledge of Longbottom.  I know you've read the books, twice.  Every Harry Potter book has been charmed so we know how many copies have sold, who has bought them, and how many times they were read.**

**If you have not yet figured out which failure I'm referring to, let me make it clear for you:**

**On June 4th 2003, your inept staff had deleted a significant number of fan-mail from our review section.  I believe your kind would call it a "glitch" but I assure you, to Albus Dumbledore, review-whore that he is, it was nothing short of a catastrophe.**

**Do not be misled by the books' portrayal of his person; Headmaster Dumbledore is not a kind man; he is not even a patient man.  He acts in certain ways to get the results that he desires, and what he desires most is an infinite amount of fan-mail.  **

**It is most unfortunate that you, useless as you are, have gotten in his way.  The Headmaster has no tolerance for those who obstruct him.  You will be dealt with, be certain of that.  And I assure you, it will be most humiliating.  You know of Voldemort.  Haven't you ever wondered why Albus Dumbledore, himself does not defeat Voldemort.  That is because losing to a mere boy is far more embarrassing than losing to a powerful wizard.  This is the cruel and twisted mind that you have crossed.  Prayers won't help you now.**

**Consider yourself warned,**

**Severus**** Snape**

**Potion Master, Hogwarts**

**Expert Torturer**

**Snape****: _ *hands the letter to Dumbledore* _**It's complete headmaster.****

**Dumbledore: _*reading the letter* _**Hmm, good, very good.  That is why I always get you to write these; it comes so naturally to you.****

**Snape****: **Thank you Headmaster.****

**Dumbledore: **But don't you think the "**Expert torturer**" at the end is a bit too much?

**Snape****: **Excuse me Headmaster, but I thought it would reinforce the threat.****

**Dumbledore: **Perhaps, but I think the letter will suffice without it.****

**Snape****: **But Head-****

**Dumbledore: GET RID OF IT.**

**Snape****: FINE! _*grumbles incoherently while walking out of the room*_**

**Dumbledore: **Oh and Severus, in case you were thinking of adding a little something extra in my pumpkin juice tonight, remember what happened at the Yule Ball your 6th year?  We wouldn't want a repeat of that now would we?

**Snape****: _*incredulous*_ THAT WAS YOU?!  **All this time I thought it was one of Black and Potter's pranks.  Albus, you…you…you're such a bast… **_*sees Dumbledore arching his brow*_ BRILLIANT MAN!**

**Dumbledore: **Yes, I'm well aware of that.****

**Snape****: **May I do that?  Am I allowed to prank students and turn them against each other? May I?  PLEASE?!

**Dumbledore: **No.****

**Snape****: **Why the hell not?!  You get to!****

**Dumbledore: **That's exactly right,** _I_ **get to.  It's a Dumbledore privilege.****

**Snape****:  _*sneers* _**Voldemort was never as cruel as you.****

**Dumbledore: _*giggling* _**Stop, Severus, you're making me blush.****

**McGonagall: **What are you two doing in there?****

**Dumbledore & Snape: NOTHING!**

**_*Dumbledore quickly sends an owl off with the letter.*_**

**McGonagall: _*narrows eyes* _**Albus Dumbledore, what are you up to?****

**Dumbledore: **Nothing my dear.  If you keep worrying, you'll get worry lines.

**_*McGonagall frowns*_**

**Dumbledore:  **And frown lines.** _*seeing that she's getting mad* _**Not that I would care.  To me you are always a breath of spring.

**_*Snape gags*_**

**Dumbledore: _*smiles sweetly* _**It's just that I know how much they bother **_you_**, my sweet.

**_*Snape chokes*_**

**McGonagall: _*simpers* _**Oh Albus, you always put my concerns before your own.

**_*Snape is nauseous*_**

**Dumbledore: _*pats his lap* _**Come here my pussy cat.****

**_*Snape feels bile rising in the back of his throat*_**

**McGonagall: puuuurrrrrrrr**

**_*Snape faints*_**

**********************************

Hi everyone!  This chapter is a filler.  Actually, I wrote this chapter 5 months ago but I decided not to post it cuz it wasn't funny enough.  But since it has been so long since I last added a chapter, I put it up anyway.  

Wanted you guys to know that I did take everyone's advice in (and you guys gave me great advice!  THANX!!!) and that's why it's taking me so long to get out the next chapter, I must be delicate with it.  

Apple Juice Master, Molls, and all Lucius fans the next chapter is dedicated to you!

LUCIUS MALFOY COMES TO HOGWARTS!!!  AND HE'S BRINGING HIS MAGIC-STICK…I MEAN HIS CANE!! 

Honestly, I was not going to include him at all but since you asked I tried it out.  Hope you'll like it.  

A very special thank you goes to J. Phoenix for that suggestion on Malfoy sitting at the staff table and joining in on the bets.  Albus thinks it's brilliant, Snape on the other hand is trying to send you some special pumpkin juice.  Remus and Sirius are not too fond of you either.  


	9. Oh Albus, what have you done?

***************************************************************

**Is this slash? Are there men chasing each other? Yes. Do they want to? No. Can they help themselves? Absolutely not. Oh Albus, what have you done?**

**Part 1: A bored Headmaster. **

****** Contains spoilers for the entire series, though it doesn't follow canon after GF because that would be no fun. Using Rowling's characters, not making any money off this, it's therapy for me. *******

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***********Dumbledore's Office***********

**Snape: **You asked to see me Headmaster?

**Dumbledore: _*looks up from his paper* _**Ah Severus, thank you for coming so quickly. I've a request however it is of a …shall we say delicate nature that requires a bit of …

**Snape: _*sneers knowingly*_ **What have you concocted this time?

**Dumbledore: **First I need your sworn secrecy on the matter.

**Snape: **My middle name is Secret.

**Dumbledore: _*blinks*_ **I thought your middle name was Eileen.

**Snape: _*annoyed*_ **It's neither! I was using a muggle expression. Just tell me what you need of me so I can get on with my evening.

**Dumbledore: _*curious*_ **And what **_is_** it that you're so devoted to in the evenings, Severus?

**Snape: _*puts on his best Death Eater -before-a-questioning- face*_ **Nothing, I just like some time to myself.

**Dumbledore: _*musing*_ **Hmmm…is that so? Because the other day I walked by your rooms and I heard some-

**Snape: _*irate*_ **Snooping again?! Why must you thrust your gargantuan nose into everyone's business??!

**Dumbledore: _*slightly affronted*_ **Don't you think **_gargantuan_** is a bit harsh, coming from you?

**Snape: _*sneers*_ **Hardly.

**Dumbledore: **Why do you always get so touchy at the slightest mention of your private life?

**Snape: _*blank, unreadable face again*_ **Most of the time I find myself being questioned by you or the Dark Lord. I am an adult yet I'm obligated to answer and act accordingly to the two of you megalomaniacs as if I were a child. Therefore I would like to have a part of my life that is privy to no one else but me.

**Dumbledore: _*musing_**_*_ No, no that answer was too conditioned. You are a hard lemon drop to crack….another time then. Back to the matter at hand, I need you to brew me 2 bottles of love potion.

**Snape: _*suspicious*_ **For what? Is Hagrid having trouble breeding the hippogriffs?

**Dumbledore: **No, I need it for an…experiment.

**Snape: _*feels terror creeping up his spine*_ **And, uh, am I correct in assuming that I will not be a guinea pig in this experiment, headmaster…?

**Dumbledore: _*chuckles*_ **Oh my dear boy, look at you! Now if I were to slip you a love potion, would I have **_you_** brewing one up?

**Snape: _*narrows his eyes, still suspicious*_**

**Dumbledore: **I need the potions for Remus and Sirius. And I'll need it in time for the weekend.

**Snape: _*contemplating*_ **You're going to poison Black and Lupin? Alright, I see no harm in it, might be scientific actually…

**Dumbledore: _*musing to himself *_ **Now when is the best time to slip it into their drinks? They'll need to be in the same room at the same time…

**Snape: _*getting excited*_ **And they must see the object of their affection right after drinking the potion. We could have Dobby slip the potion into their drinks but how to make sure they see each other…

**Dumbledore: _*amused*_ **Now, now Severus, you leave that up to me, it is after all how I entertain myself these days. But I will need the potions by the weekend. And put a time limit on it, have the magic wear off Sunday night. We wouldn't want things to go too far, would we?

**Snape: _*mocking, with one raised eyebrow*_ **Albus Dumbledore with a conscience?

****

**_*Snape turns and leaves to prepare the potions*_**

**Dumbledore _*chuckles*_ **Ah Severus…still so trusting.

************* Next day at the Breakfast table *************

**MG: _*glances at Snape*_ **You look worse than usual, Severus.

**Snape: _*throws a thunderous glare*_ **_You're no breath of spring either. _

**_*A spoon flies across the table and hits Snape on the forehead. Snape glares down the table at the staff to find Dumbledore's smiling face*_**

**Snape: **_Leglimens this early in the morning? Is nothing sacred to you? _

****

**Dumbledore: _*smiles even wider*_ **_Nope_

****

**_ *catapults Flitwick's spoon at Snape's head*_**

**Flitwick: **My spoon! Severus, stop that this instant!

**Snape: WHAT?! **Why would I be flinging spoons at myself?!!!

**Flitwick: **I thought your hair was magnetized again.

**Snape: _*grits through teeth*_ **Frizzy is not the same as static electricity which is not the same as, nevermind!

**_ *glares back at Dumbledore*_**

_Did you receive the vials?_

****

**_Dumbledore: _**_You are quite talented, Severus. I did not expect them so soon. Did you sleep at all last night?_

****

**Snape: _*raises an eyebrow*_ **_Didn't you hear Minerva's morning greeting? I didn't get these dark circles around my eyes from my non-existent social life. _

**Dumbledore: _*smiling with a twinkle in his eyes*_ **_Well there was a lot of noise coming from your rooms-_

****

**Snape: ENOUGH!**

**_*staff all stop their eating to stare at Snape, then deciding it was just one of his episodes from lack of sleep, return to their conversations and muffins*_**

**Snape: _*narrows his eyes at Dumbledore*_ **_I'm switching to Occlumency now._

****

**Dumbledore: **_Severus_

****

**Snape: ….**

**Dumbledore: **_Severus!_

****

**Snape: …**

**Dumbldedore: **_Brat._

**McGonagall: _*in a low voice*_ **What is going on Albus? Severus looks like an Inferius and we both know he only looks like that when he's on assignment from you.

**Dumbledore: _*flattered*_ **Are you saying Severus fears me more than he fears Tom?

**McGonagall: _*glares at Dumbledore_**_*_ I'm saying Voldemort doesn't have Severus complete ridiculous projects in impossible time frames.

**Dumbledore: _*innocently*_**I was under the impression that Severus enjoyed a challenge.

**McGonagall: **He's not your entertainment Albus! And he's not a child anymore, you can't-** SEVERUS SNAPE! DON'T YOU DARE HURL THAT SPOON AT FILIUS! And I'd better not find my drinks tampered with unless you want to be transfigured into a litter box!**

**_*takes a breath*_**So Albus, are you going to tell me what you've been up to or do you fancy a transfiguration as well?

**Dumbledore: _*chuckles*_ **Don't worry yourself Minerva, I simply asked Severus for 2 love potions.

**McGonagall: **You can make that potion yourself, why did you get him to do it?

**Dumbledore: **It's sweeter this way. He thinks I mean to have Remus and Sirius in love with each other. **BUT**, I'm going to have the both of them in love with Severus.

**McGonagall: **Albus, you sick, depraved man. Should I even ask for what purpose?

**Dumbledore: _*cheerful*_ **Patience, my dear.

**_*Breakfast is coming to an end and Snape, as usual, is the first to get up from the table_****. _Dumbledore waits for Snape to walk out of earshot then raises his glass of pumpkin juice at the staff*_ **

**Dumbledore: **To the end of midterms!

**_*Staff mutters similar sentiments and downs their drinks. Dumbledore watches Sirius and Remus gulp their drinks and looks across the room to see that Snape has almost reached the end of the Dining Hall*_**

**Dumbledore: **Oh my, is Severus wearing pink flip-flops?

**_*all eyes on Snape as he opens the doors and slips behind them, robes following like a shadow*_**

**Trelawney: **I don't see anything.

**McGonagall: _*rolls eyes*_ **Big surprise.

**_*Sirius and Remus excuse themselves from the table and walk hurriedly in the same direction Snape went*_**

**Dumbledore: _*smug smile*_ **_Mischief accomplished._My dear colleagues, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black are now under the influence of the love potion, and if I know Severus, he will have brewed it extra-strength. Now both men will be vying for the attention of one cranky Potions Master. No doubt, they will each be using interesting tactics to gain Severus' affections. I believe this is what Muggles call "getting their game on." Who will succeed?

**_ *peers above his glasses at the staff*_**

I will start taking bets now.

******************************************************

**Oh wow this took me a loooooong time to finish. I blame it on OoTP, HBP, and DH being so depressing. But thanks to those who suggested I include Leglimens, and thanks to all who suggested I include Lucius Malfoy. This arc is really writing just to include Lucius. This chapter was the set up, the action is in the next chapter! **

**Next chapter: Lucius Malfoy comes to Hogwarts! **


End file.
